


Like A Flower

by juhotify



Category: SF9 (Band)
Genre: Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, how do i tag this????, i dont know what the hell i wrote all i know is i cried, jaeyoon's sick and juho takes care of him, this has no happy ending sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-09 09:31:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17999297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juhotify/pseuds/juhotify
Summary: Jaeyoon is like a flower. Ripped out of life at his most beautiful time.





	Like A Flower

It felt like someone had poured ice cold water over him and put him then into a shock froster. He just stared at the doctor in front of him like she was out of her mind. Her pitying gaze just added fuel to the fire. "E-excuse me?“ He felt Juho’s eyes on him, those beautiful piercing eyes which were probably filled with tears by now. Juho had rested a hand on his thigh way before the doctor had entered. Jaeyoon found his lover’s hand to be an anchor he needed in that moment.

"I know, it’s a big shock and I’m terribly sorry Mr. Lee. The cancer has spread too much by now.“

Jaeyoon just kept staring at her, still trying to process what she just said. "Cancer?“ he stuttered out. He didn’t dare to look over at Juho, Jaeyoon’d breakdown if he saw the crestfallen look of him.

The doctor’s voice was soft as she spoke. "Leukemia. It’s progressing quite fast. The CT scan shows metastases in your bowel. We will of course offer you pain management. You can get help anytime you need on our palliative ward.“ Her kind eyes flickered to Juho when he spoke up. His voice cracked right in the midst of his sentence and he had to clear his throat before repeating what he wanted to ask. "Is there no chance to- to treat it?“

"There is but I wouldn’t say it’s the best way. The chances of the treatment working is close to zero. Unless you want to give it a try, Mr. Lee?“ Her gaze wandered back to Jaeyoon, who was still trying to grasp what she was saying.

"I- Uh. I don’t know. I can’t- I mean.“ For the first time since the bomb dropped, Jaeyoon looked at Juho. His heart twisted in agony as he stared into the eyes of the love of his life, which were glossy with unspilled tears.

"You can take your time and think about it.“ She gently stood up. She knew that the two needed time and space to talk and through her years of experience, she also knew to just politely nod instead of shaking their hands. Once the door clicked shut, Jaeyoon’s stiff posture loosened.

He hadn’t even realised the tears falling uncontrolled until Juho cupped his face while wiping the tears away with his thumbs. "It’s going to be fine, Jaeng, everything’s going to be fine.“ Jaeyoon held onto Juho’s wrists like his dear life depended on it. Juho couldn’t watch him cry any longer and pulled the older into his chest, one hand gently running through Jaeyoon’s soft locks as the other held him tight, resting on his hip. Jaeyoon fisted Juho’s shirt as he hid his face in his chest and cried. Juho pressed soft kisses on his head. He didn’t tell Jaeyoon to stop crying, he had no right.

"Please consider the treatment, Jaeyoonie. Please.“ Juho whispered and the older would’ve missed it if it wasn’t for Juho leaning his head on top of his own.

Frankly, Jaeyoon was scared. He wanted to take the doctor's advice and enjoy the last bit he had left. On the other hand he couldn't bear Juho's begging. Plus he'd probably dwell on the _what ifs_ when the time came.

Jaeyoon broke the hug after what felt like an eternity, looking straight into Juho's pained face. He never let go of the younger's shirt and Juho's hands had moved to gently hold Jaeyoon's face, his thumbs on the mission of wiping the few tears that still fell out of his eyes away. Juho leaned in and kissed him softly.

“ll do it. For you.“ He whispered back, resting his forehead against Juho's with closed eyes. Juho's long fingers felt warm against Jaeyoon's cold cheeks.

 

 

Jaeyoon had started the third round of chemotherapy. Juho was standing behind the stretcher he was sitting on, soothingly rubbing his back as Jaeyoon retched. By now the two knew what to expect. His body hadn't spoken well to the brachytherapy, which had led to the chemotherapy.

Not once had Juho left his side. Jaeyoon felt sick as another wave of nausea hit him. Juho was forced to wear a mask, gown and disposable gloves ever since Jaeyoon had started with the chemo. Doctors said something about his non existent immune system or something like that. To keep him safe from infections. It still frustrated Jaeyoon though. He wanted to feel Juho's warm hands on his skin, not the ugly blue gloves.

Jaeyoon leaned his back against Juho's torso, who was wiping his mouth clean from the vomit. Juho was gentle with him, he always had been.

 

Jaeyoon felt weak and disgusting. "You're so strong“ Juho said, nuzzling his cheek against Jaeyoon's hair. Juho wrapped his arms around Jaeyoon's shoulder, leaning down to rest his chin on it. He pushed his nose softly into Jaeyoon's neck, which earned him a giggle from the other. It didn't last long, a violent coughing fit erupted and shook Jaeyoon's entire body. Juho slightly pulled away, taking the bucket out of his hands.

His forearm still rested on his shoulder while he searched for something on the countertop at the head of the stretcher.

A groan made Juho stop the search for a papertowel. "Not again.“ He quickly walked around so he was face to face with Jaeyoon. "What?“

Jaeyoon kept his head down, breathing through his mouth with his hands held under his nose. The sight of Jaeyoon’s bleeding nose had panicked Juho the first few times but he had gotten used to it by now. He held an emesis bowel right under his chin and swatted his hands away. "Here, wipe your hands.“ Juho was kneeling on the floor as he kept a hold on the bowel while Jaeyoon cleaned his hands with his head still hanging. Once they were clean he pinched his nostrils, Juho resting his free hand on Jaeyoon’s thin thigh. Even if he had gotten used to seeing the blood flow out of his love’s nose uncontrollably, Juho still worried each time.

After ten minutes, Jaeyoon let go of his nostrils but quickly went back to pinching them together when the blood kept flowing out. "Hold on, I’ll get you a towel. Can you hold this?“ Jaeyoon softly rolled his eyes as he took the bowl from Juho. Juho was worrying way too much.

It seemed like the cooling effect of the wet cloth had helped. "You know, I could easily act in a horror movie. They wouldn’t even need fake blood for it.“ Jaeyoon grinned as he looked up into Juho’s eyes, who was gently cleaning the dried blood off his face. Juho just grinned lightly. Jaeyoon buried his face into Juho’s torso, wrapping his arms around the other tightly. Juho tightly locked his arms on his shoulders.

"Should we go on a vacation Yoonie?“ He felt Jaeyoon nod enthusiastically. "It was the last chemo round anyway. I want to go to Jeju. Or Japan. Oh! Or how about New Zealand?“ Jaeyoon had slightly pulled away, his arms still locked around Juho’s waist as he looked up with glimmering eyes and a dimply smile.

If Juho hadn’t been wearing the mask he’d have showered Jaeyoon’s face with kisses. Instead, he gazed with as much affection someone could have into his eyes. "Of course, anywhere you want.“ Jaeyoon threw his arms around Juho’s neck, pulling himself up. He pressed a gentle kiss into the crook of Juho’s neck before he nuzzled it. Juho could feel the smile on Jaeyoon’s face against his skin. He tightened his hold on the older’s back.

Jaeyoon had wanted to see New Zealand in the end so they had ended up taking the next flight that was possible. Juho had rested his head against Jaeyoon’s chest, who played with his hair as they both watched the movie playing on the board monitor. The plane was crowded and too small for the two tall men. In the end Jaeyoon had seated him half onto Juho’s lap. "Isn’t it too uncomfortable like this?“ Juho brushed his nose against Jaeyoon’s head, which rested on his collarbone. "Not for me.“

Juho pecked his forehead in response. Jaeyoon moved his head slightly to steal a kiss from Juho. He just smiled against the plump lips.

Jaeyoon had spent nearly the entire flight on Juho’s lap, grumpily moving back when meals were served or their landing was announced.

 

Jaeyoon was doing fairly good, during the fourteen hour flight he had no nose bleeding and just a little of coughing. People were staring, he was aware. Jaeyoon was still grateful for the wig Juho had bought him but he didn’t wear it to the flight. He had underestimated the impudence of fellow humans. It had turned into a routine for Juho to help him draw natural eyebrows even if it took them up to three hours. Juho had long given up his store and had focused more on selling his beautiful creations online. That way he had more time to be with and take care of Jaeyoon.

“Don’t, Jaeyoon. There’s nothing for you to apologise for.” Juho had said. “I know how much you loved your store though.” Juho had silenced him with a kiss. “None of it as much as I love you.” Jaeyoon had hid his face in embarrassment behind his hands. “You’re so cheesy sometimes, I can’t believe you.”

 

Juho took many pictures of Jaeyoon, how he enjoyed the waves on the beach or soaked himself with the sun rays while they were sitting in a cafe. For strangers it might have looked like Jaeyoon was a healthy young adult enjoying his free time by chasing after birds and playing with stranger’s dogs.

  


Jaeyoon had pulled the covers a little, making space for Juho in the bed. He stared at him with worry. "The doctos and nurses will get mad-“ Jaeyoon just shook his head tiredly. "I don’t care.“ Jaeyoon stopped midsentence to regain his breath. "I want you next to me Jjuongie.“ He tried inhaling deeply. Jaeyoon had trouble breathing again. Juho never had been able to deny him anything, so he toed off his shoes and slowly slipped into the bed next to Jaeyoon.

He had lifted his head, straining himself further but Juho got the memo, stretching his arm underneath out. Jaeyoon exhaustedly dropped his head onto Juho’s arm, closing his eyes. He pulled Jaeyoon closer, facing him, burning every little detail about Jaeyoon into his mind. The only source of sound in that moment was the blubbering of the oxygen bottle, where Jaeyoon’s nasal prongs were attached to.

Juho’s free hand traced the outline of his face- first his temple then his eyes, jaw, nose and then his lips.

"I don’t want to fight anymore, Juho.“ Jaeyoon sounded breathless despite the supporting oxygen in his nose. He had opened his eyes, searching Juho’s own for any sign of anger. When he found nothing but love, affection and understanding, Jaeyoon continued. "Everything hurts, Juho.“ Something constricted Juho’s throat at the sight of Jaeyoon’s tears running. He couldn’t bear Jaeyoon in pain anymore, he couldn’t see him cry every day- but he didn’t know if he could bear the thought of not having him next to him either. Juho felt incredibly selfish, so he just silently pulled Jaeyoon closer, protectively cradling the older’s head in his arms as his tears soaked his shoulder.

Guilt nagged at Juho at times like these even more. If he hadn’t begged Jaeyoon to start treatment, would he have been able to go peacefully? Would he have been spared the pain and suffering? Juho knew the answer to it, they all did. He resented himself. Juho didn’t let go of Jaeyoon even if he had long fallen asleep.

The surgeons had said they could operate the lung metastases out. It had not only filled Juho but also Jaeyoon with hope. Jaeyoon was then prepared for the scheduled surgery. He squeezed Juho’s hand one last time before he was brought to the OR.

One of the nurses had advised him to go to the cafeteria and get something to drink, as it would take a few hours for Jaeyoon to come back out. Juho had politely declined.

He was surprised when the doors opened and revealed an entire team pushing a bed connected to a tower with medical equipment- from a ventilator to perfusors. Juho had a bad feeling. His feeling got confirmed when he peeked at the person lying in the bed. Jaeyoon looked so small and fragile in the huge ICU rack. He looked lifeless, even more than before and Juho realised for the umpteenth time how tired Jaeyoon looked with his sunken in face. The ventilator was connected to the tube in his mouth and he seemed to be sleeping. Juho would’ve thought he was gone, gone forever, if it wasn’t for the monitor displaying his heart rate and other vital parameters.

He just stood there, shocked and at loss of what to do, watching the team wheeled Jaeyoon towards the ICU. His brain had completely shut down as he just stood there, staring the hallway down until his feet moved on their own.

He disregarded what was written on the automatic door as he walked in, frantically looking for the room they had brought Jaeyoon in. “We had to reanimate him, it seems like he didn’t speak well to the medications.” Seemed like Juho just heard a bit of the handover to the ICU team. “We looked into the lungs but there’s nothing we can do. We will request a council with the palliative team.”

Juho stood there, in the doorway, trying to grasp what he just heard. Jaeyoon’s heart had stopped beating? And suddenly they talked about not being able to operate the metastases? Then why did they give Jaeyoon hope? Hope that he could at least breathe like a normal person again? Juho had so many questions but he was interrupted before he could’ve asked them. “Sir, what are you doing here? It’s way past the visiting hours. I need you to leave before I have no choice but to call the security.”

Juho’s head had snapped to the nurse standing next to him with wide eyes. He hadn’t even noticed her to walk up. Juho opened and closed his mouth multiple times, the nurse watching him with raised eyebrows. “I can’t leave, I can’t leave Jaeyoonie alone.” He managed to stutter out. By now the entire staff in the room was watching him. He couldn’t care less. Juho pushed his way through the doctors standing by his bed grid. He reached to stroke the hair out of his face but his wrist was harshly pulled away. “Sir what are you doing? Who are you?” Juho didn’t answer. “What- What happened? I thought he was going to get the metastases out- out of his lung? Why is he here?” Juho looked distraught, he was doing his best to hold his tears in. “Sir, who are you?”

“Oh! Juho! What are you doing here? I thought Jaeyoon was getting surgery?” Juho turned slightly to look at the man speaking. It was one of the carriers who came for Jaeyoon when he was yet again getting a CT or MRI or X-Ray.

“Do you know him? He won’t answer us.” The same nurse who had threatened Juho with the security guard was speaking. “Yeah. That’s Juho, he’s taking care of him.” The carrier nodded towards Jaeyoon’s bed. The staff looked at each other. “I see. But we still have to ask you to leave, sir. We will get back to you once we’re done here.” Juho felt like his legs were going to give in. He didn’t know how he had managed to get out of the ICU but he had taken a seat on one of the benches leaned against the wall.

 

The doctor had finally come out the ICU and had taken a seat next to Juho as she explained what exactly had happened. Juho just let his head hang, never looking up once. He was trying to digest everything even after she had left, leaving him alone with his thoughts. Juho hadn’t slept that night, the guilt eating bigger bits of him with each new day. It had been nearly two years since Jaeyoon had gotten the diagnosis. Two years filled with pain and tears. Two years of the love of his life slowly drained of his life in his arms. Two years that could’ve been avoided if he hadn’t pestered Jaeyoon into this. Juho let his tears fall, filled with self hatred and guilt. He kept silent though, he didn’t want to attract any more unnecessary attention to himself.

 

Jaeyoon had survived his reanimation and had been woken up just a few days later. He had been moved back to the room he first was in and Juho hadn’t left his side. Jaeyoon was absolutely crushed after hearing what the doctor had told him. He had snapped at Juho, telling him that it was all his fault. He had thrown some of the leftover bread at him, telling him to get the fuck out of the room and leave him alone when Juho had tried to hold his hand. He had then turned away from the younger, draping the blankets over his head. Juho had complied, his head hanging low and shoulders slouched. Who was he to say no? Jaeyoon had been right after all.

It was the first time in years that the two were separated. Juho was sitting in a bar, staring the drink in front of him down. _It’s all your fault_. There had been so much malice and venom in Jaeyoon’s usually soft voice. Juho played with the glass, tracing its pattern. He deserved it though, he deserved all of it. Juho paid for his drink and made his way to the little flower house he had rented. He stored all his plants there, watering and nurturing them whenever he could.

He didn’t go back that night. Instead he stayed awake and finished all the bouquets that had been ordered. _It’s all your fault_.

Juho might or might not have cried the whole time.

His dark eye rings gave away that he had not gotten an ounce of sleep. Juho had bound a small bouquet of Jaeyoon’s favourite flowers. The cheerful colours were a strong contrast to Juho’s tired face. Jaeyoon’s room was empty. For a second, panic made its way through Juho’s body until a nurse peeked her head through the door and told Juho that Jaeyoon had been brought to get another CT scan. Juho politely nodded with a smile. He switched the old flowers with the new and placed the vase back onto the night table. His eyes got stuck at the framed collage on the windowsill.

They were all pictures with the two together. Jaeyoon’s bright smile and dimples captured for eternity in each of the photos. Juho was too caught up in the pictures. He just stood there, taking it all in. From the first day of how they had met until now. Jaeyoon was right, it had been all his fault. “Stupid idiot.” He whispered to no one but himself. Juho had never felt so much disgust towards himself. He had ruined Jaeyoon for his own selfish desire.

He felt arms wrap around his waist from behind. Jaeyoon was out of breath but he rested his head against Juho’s shoulderblade.

“Where-” Jaeyoon had to pause to regain his breath. “Were you” another pause “yesterday?” Juho rested his hands on top of Jaeyoon’s bony ones. He didn’t lift his head nor did he turn around. “I thought it was better if I gave you space.” He couldn’t dare to speak louder than a whisper. Juho didn’t trust his voice. Jaeyoon tightened his hold on Juho for a bit. The younger could tell it was draining for Jaeyoon to keep standing. “Come on, you should lie or at least sit down.”

Juho slowly walked him towards his bed. Jaeyoon sat down, adjusting the nasal prongs behind his ear. Even with the messy hair and swollen gums Jaeyoon looked good. “Sit down.” Jaeyoon had trouble talking. He was desperately inhaling and exhaling slowly.

“I need to-” He coughed, hard. “Tell you something.” Jaeyoon had drawn his eyebrows together, reaching for his inhaler. Juho watched him with sad eyes. He really had ruined his beautiful daffodil.

Jaeyoon shook his head, roaming his night table’s drawer. He fished out his phone and started typing away. Speaking was tiring him out too much.

_CT shows that it spread_

Juho re-reread the sentence. Over and over again. When he looked back up to Jaeyoon, he was staring right back at him. There was more than the fatigue in his eyes. Juho handed him the phone back. “Spread where?” Juho frankly didn’t want to ask, he didn’t want to know and he wanted to pretend that none of this was real. Yet he did, because he knew that Jaeyoon had to let it out. That was the least he could do after all, listen. Jaeyoon’s thumbs halted for a few seconds and he bit his lip in thought. A few seconds later he had thrusted the phone back into Juho’s hands. _Bones and brain. Apparently the brain metastases can be surgically removed but they said the same about the lung ones, didn’t they?_

“Jaeyoon.” Said man looked back up into Juho’s eyes. His eyebrows were drawn together and worry laced his dark caramel orbs. “Do you want that surgery?”

Jaeyoon searched Juho’s eyes for a sign, any sign. When he found nothing he was looking for, Jaeyoon slowly shook his head as if he was ashamed for his choice. Juho turned his body fully towards Jaeyoon. He cupped his face, thumb gently stroking circles onto Jaeyoon’s cheeks. “No one’s going to blame you, okay?” His voice was soft just like his gaze and Jaeyoon pulled Juho into a bone crushing hug, this time cradling the younger’s head softly. Juho closed his eyes in agony. His hands hand come to rest on Jaeyoon’s prominent hipbones.

“I love you, Jjuongie. I really do.”

It hadn’t taken long for the whole treatment to be completely thrown under the bus. Jaeyoon had officially turned into a palliative case. With just thirty years he was considered the youngest patient on the ward. He had requested to stay in his room even if it wasn’t a palliative ward. Jaeyoon still had been granted his wish.

 

Due to the cancer in his lungs he could barely breathe, so speaking was nearly impossible. He was quick out of breath even if he just moved a tiny bit to readjust himself. The metastases in his bones had lead to a fractured leg. The tumour had grown so big it had broken his tibia. Juho couldn’t do more than watch and hold his hand. The cancer was progressing faster than any of them had expected.

Every day Juho brought new flowers from his shop, and every day Jaeyoon would smell them happily.

Jaeyoon had asked Juho to take him out to the park so he could have a change of scenery for a few hours. By now, Jaeyoon was too weak to stand up, let alone walk by himself. Juho had gotten him a wheelchair.

He stretched his arms out as Juho slowly pushed him towards the garden of the hospital. For a health institute, it was really pretty. There were arches with roses climbing up to the top, trees that gave a nice shady spot and multiple flowerbed.

 

Jaeyoon’s eyes were closed, a content smile on his face as he enjoyed the sun and soft breeze on his face. Juho studied his features. He still had the same dimply smile from two years ago, though it wasn’t as bright as it used to be. His cheeks were hollow and his eyes carried a pool of emotions in them- ranging from pain to sadness. Juho admired Jaeyoon for his strength. Even if he sometimes cried, he never lost his smile. Jaeyoon still had the same glimmer Juho fell for, even if it was just a tiny bit duller. It was still there. Jaeyoon had never really complained about the pain and suffering all this had brought upon him.

He had lost so much weight that Juho wouldn’t have recognised him if he hadn’t seen Jaeyoon deteriorate in the first place. His collarbones were prominent, just like his cheekbones, spine, shoulder blades- everything. There was nothing left of the meaty Jaeyoon from two years ago. All that was left where bones and skin. His beautiful tan skin had turned ashen, littered with bruises. One could think that Juho was hitting Jaeyoon.

Juho reached for Jaeyoon’s hand. He threaded his fingers through Jaeyoon’s, who was now watching the clouds pass the sky. He looked almost wistful. “Do you. Remember. How we. Met?” He wheezed for a few seconds, trying to fill his lungs with oxygen. Juho rubbed his back. He could count the vertebrae if he wanted. “How can I not?” Juho chuckled softly.

“It was storming and I tried to save my flowers.” A genuine smile spread across Jaeyoon’s face. “Yeah. I helped- you.” Jaeyoon’s chest was moving up and down heavily, his voice raspy. “You cried at one of the- broken flowers.” A breathless chuckle left Jaeyoon’s throat. “It was one of my favourite flowers, you can’t blame me.” Jaeyoon’s gaze landed on Juho, who had been watching him the whole time. “If I could turn back time, Juho-” Jaeyoon had to pause once more. “I wouldn’t hesitate and go back to you.”

Juho’s bottom lip quivered at that as he tried to keep the tears he had bottled up for so long in bay. “Me too Jaeyoon. You’re the best thing that happened to me.” Juho gently pulled Jaeyoon forward, pressing a soft kiss onto his sweaty forehead. “Jaeyoon, you have a fever!” How couldn’t he have noticed before? Juho felt irresponsible, for pushing out a feverish man into the spring breeze.

“Please, Juho. It's all fine. I don't want to go back there now. It's suffocating.” Jaeyoon weakly squeezed his hand. Juho didn't look convinced. Nonetheless, he took off his jacket and draped it across Jaeyoon's tiny frame. Jaeyoon smiled thankfully at him. He stretched his arms out and Juho got up from the bench, gently pulling Jaeyoon up. The older didn't waste a second, circling his arms around Juho's waist and resting his head on his shoulder. His body was trembling, Juho could feel the tiny contractions under his fingers. “No, I want to stay like this- for a bit longer.”

Jaeyoon pressed his nose into Juho's neck, breathing in the scent of wet mud mixed with flowers. “You smell like your garden.” Juho chuckled lightly. “As long as it's not a bad smell.”

Juho had picked Jaeyoon bridal style up, earning him a squeak from the older. Juho had made sure the jacket was clasped tightly between Jaeyoon’s back and his arm. Jaeyoon had hastily thrown his arms around Juho’s neck. Thank god the oxygen tubing was long enough. The nurses had given Jaeyoon a nearly three meter long one, so he could move around the room without carrying the oxygen bottle.

He carried Jaeyoon to the bench and sat down, Jaeyoon settling in Juho’s lap. He felt Jaeyoon’s bruised lips brush against his jaw. “Want to see the new collection?” Juho stroked Jaeyoon’s arm up and down as the latter kissed Juho softly. “Of course, I thought you’d never ask.”

It hadn't taken much convincing to get the permission of taking Jaeyoon out. Apparently the doctors thought it was good for Jaeyoon as well. The trip had delayed by a few months, though. Another metastasis had broken Jaeyoon’s vortex, leaving him completely unable to move anything hip downwards. “Juho. I can’t feel my legs.” There was no pain, no surprise in his voice. It was like Jaeyoon had expected it.

Jaeyoon had enjoyed the ride to the fullest. He had his window down and let the breeze wash over his face, soaking the sunrays in with closed eyes and a small smile. He had insisted on wearing one of Juho’s sweaters.

The grey sweatshirt was too big for Jaeyoon’s frail frame. He looked like a child while playing with the sweater paws. Eventually Jaeyoon had fallen asleep, his head resting against the cool window he had closed when Jaeyoon whined about it being too cold all of a sudden. Even after Juho had long parked the car, he couldn’t bring himself to wake Jaeyoon up. He settled to watching his boyfriend. He felt the fatigue in his bones, the restless nights all suddenly crashing into him as he fought with himself, trying to keep his emotions at bay. Juho had given up any kind of hope for Jaeyoon to survive. The only thing he was hoping for was that Jaeyoon would stop being in pain wherever he’d go. Even if the older never said anything, Juho knew it must hurt. Everyone could tell by the amount of painkillers he was taking every day.

Juho leaned his head against the steering wheel, his grip tightening around it. He watched Jaeyoon’s chest slowly move up and down. Jaeyoon’s eyes fluttered open minutes later, as if he had sensed Juho’s staring. Jaeyoon had caught him staring a second too long wistfully. Juho quickly composed himself. “Good morning, beauty.” He leaned towards Jaeyoon, who met him halfway, and pecked his nose. Juho’s chest swelled with warmth at the giggle Jaeyoon had let out. He quickly got out and took the wheelchair out of the trunk and pushing it towards the passenger side. Jaeyoon had already opened the door, waiting for him.

Juho had just turned around lightly and Jaeyoon took it as his chance to grab Juho’s jacket and pull him down so he could circle his arms around Juho’s neck. Juho automatically reached behind to support Jaeyoon’s limb legs. “Please!” Jaeyoon’s voice was playful and Juho couldn’t do much but give in with a smile on his own face. Jaeyoon had fished the keystrap out of Juho’s jacket and locked the car while Juho carried him slowly towards the entrance of where he had set his little online business up.

 

It was a breathtaking view. The path leading to the house was surrounded by flower beds Juho was taking care of, bushes lining up the last bit to the house. It had two balconies in the first floor, various colourful flowers falling down like a waterfall. There were green bushes climbing up the exterior of the house, their blossoms adding a little more color. “It’s so beautiful Juho. You’ve outdone yourself.” Jaeyoon’s eyes landed on the golden inscription right above the door.

“Is that-” Juho hummed in affirmation. "Juho..” Jaeyoon couldn’t say anything else. Juho had used Jaeyoon’s hanja as his shops name. _The modest_. He pressed his lips together, burying his face in Juho’s neck. Jaeyoon was touched. It had been a long time since Jaeyoon had seen the warehouse. Juho had converted it into a mix of his online business and store. The decoration was beautiful- he had even considered Jaeyoon’s ideas. Various kinds of flowers were displayed, from the bottom up to the ceiling. The aisles were separated by long tables where some of Juho’s most prized were displayed. The house was practically divided into two by the path through the middle. Juho had scattered some wall shaped objects around the room. It had been Jaeyoon’s idea. “To give them some inspiration” he had said back then.

Juho had decorated the fake exterior walls with different kinds of plants, the colours matching and making the blank beton look like a piece of art. Juho had really gifted hands.

 

Jaeyoon was ripped out of his thoughts when Juho gently sat him onto a bench. “I’ll just get the rest out of the car, it won’t take long.” He nodded before he pulled Juho’s face down for a quick, silken kiss. He loved making Juho smile against his lips. Juho had been out the door already as Jaeyoon started coughing again. He didn’t think much of it, expecting it to stop on it’s own yet it continued, violently shaking his tiny frame. He fished for a pack of tissues out of his pants, pressing one against his nose and mouth. Jaeyoon couldn’t breath, the coughing gave him the feeling of his airway being cut. He felt lightheaded when the coughing finally died down. Jaeyoon wiped his bloodied mouth clean and shoved the tissues into his pocket. He wasn’t about to tell Juho that he had just coughed up a blood clot that looked like some capillary.

He turned the oxygen level up. The tiny device the hospital had lent him was way handier than the stupid oxygen bottle. It was like a tiny bag, taking the air from the room and turning it into pure oxygen. Jaeyoon’s eyes landed on a specific flower. It was pink-purpleish and had tiny petals, looking like a fox tail. It was beautiful. He saw Juho approach with the wheelchair and a bag draped over his shoulder. From afar Jaeyoon could tell the younger was tired. Juho had never complained in the past two and a half years though. With each passing month Jaeyoon had gotten more dependant on him and Juho had never said anything, had never done anything other than supporting and loving him, taking care of him. Jaeyoon needed Juho but he was ashamed.

Juho helped him from the bench into the wheelchair and pushed him past the flowers Jaeyoon had spotted. Jaeyoon craned his neck, catching Juho’s attention. “Did you see something?”

“There, the fox tail like flower.” Juho followed Jaeyoon’s finger. His face fell. “You mean the amaranth?”

Jaeyoon nodded with a smile. It dimmed a little upon seeing Juho’s straight face. Before Jaeyoon could ask and tire himself out, Juho wheeled him back to the flower that had caught his attention.

Jaeyoon immediately reached out, slightly leaning forward. He inhaled the scent. “I bet it has a pretty meaning.” This was Juho’s cue to tell him but Juho hesitated. It didn’t go unnoticed by Jaeyoon but he didn’t say anything. “They stand for immortality, eternal life and fidelity.” Jaeyoon’s gaze softened as he watched the leafs gently sway in the spring breeze entering through the open door.

“Can you put them on my grave?” Juho’s throat constricted. He knew it was going to happen sooner than later. He had thought a lot about it, spending countless nights tossing and turning. No matter how much he tried, the topic still set him off. “Yeah, of course.” It was merely a whisper.  
  
Juho had unfurled a thick blanket on the path. He had helped Jaeyoon out of the wheelchair and sat him onto it. Jaeyoon immediately leaned closer to one of the tables where flowers were displayed. Juho couldn’t help but snap a picture of how he was gently cradling the flower in his hand, eyes closed in content while smelling it. Jaeyoon looked beautiful. At the sound of the camera he opened his eyes in confusion, staring with an unsure smile at Juho. “Sorry, you’re just so handsome.” Juho dropped next to Jaeyoon. His uncertain smile had fused into a genuine, bright smile. His dimples were deep and his eyes glistened with warmth. He let go of the flower, wrapping his arms around Juho’s neck. He littered Juho’s face with kisses until he heard Juho’s deep laugh. Jaeyoon’s breathy laugh was swallowed by Juho kissing him slow and deep, earning a sigh from Jaeyoon.

The older broke the kiss first, lightly coughing into his fist as he rested his head on Juho’s chest. Guilt washed over Juho as he held Jaeyoon close, who was breathing hard. He was trying to regain his breath but his body shook under another coughing fit.   
Jaeyoon reached out for his inhaler.

 

Once Jaeyoon had taken his medications and settled himself on the blanket by positioning his legs like he wanted to, did he rest his head on Juho’s outstretched legs. He reached his hand out to Juho’s face. “You turned this into- a really pretty place.” Jaeyoon’s arm dropped back to his side, he had no strength to keep it up.

Before it could have hit the blanket, Juho had caught it and raised Jaeyoon's hand to his lips, kissing each finger softly. Jaeyoon curled his fingers around Juho's.

  


Jaeyoon listened to Juho talk about different things for hours. He found his lover's voice to be the most relaxing thing. Jaeyoon didn't want to leave him. He was scared. He was scared of what was going to happen once he had died. He knew that Juho would be a mess. He knew that he was already blaming himself for everything that happened.

Jaeyoon hadn't told him, or anyone for that case, that he had suddenly gotten really bad eyesight. It was all blurry and he could only make out shapes.

 

Jaeyoon was feeling funny. He couldn't describe what that feeling was, which scared him even more. So he pulled Juho's face down and silenced him with a deep, desperate kiss. Juho blinked at first in confusion but supported the others back with both his hands as he responded to his lips. It was a slight push and pull, literally, as Juho tried to push Jaeyoon up to his chest and Jaeyoon pull Juho down on top of him.

So Juho gave in and let Jaeyoon pull him on top, while he just let himself fall back against the blanket with a thud.

Juho supported himself up with his arms on each side of Jaeyoon's head. He searched the older's eyes, his own carrying nothing but affection. Jaeyoon had barely regained his breath as he leaned in again. Juho was about to protest but Jaeyoon didn't want to hear any of it. All he wanted was to feel his boyfriend for the last time.

Jaeyoon traced Juho's features with his fingers, as if he tried to burn his face into his brain through them.

He didn't know how long they stayed like that, Juho watching him as Jaeyoon gently traced every part of first his head then neck and the rest of his body. Jaeyoon would've done anything to see the gentle smile on Juho's face one last time.

 

The sun was going down and Jaeyoon felt it. He asked Juho to help him up. Jaeyoon felt him try to get up and bring the wheelchair but Jaeyoon stopped him. He wanted to spend more time in Juho's arms.

The same arms that had made him feel safe and warm for the past years. The same arms that held him through any crisis. Juho had pulled Jaeyoon into his chest. Jaeyoon was sitting sideways, resting his cheek on the youngers thorax. He listened to the calm heartbeat of Juho, feeling his chest rise up and down gently. Jaeyoon was in Juho's arms, just as he liked it. He felt the younger's chin rest on his head.

 

Jaeyoon was happy. He was scared but he was still happy. He felt the warmth radiate from Juho, warming his own body that slowly turned cold. And yet even in that moment, everything hurt. He couldn't breathe, as if someone was squeezing his windpipe agonizingly slow shut.

He gasped for air, scratching lightly at Juho's shirt. “Please. Please Juho-”

Jaeyoon couldn't make out what Juho was saying, he just felt his huge hand on his forehead.

 

“Juho please, I can't breathe. Please open the window. Please I can't breathe-” Jaeyoon was panicking. If this was what dying felt like, he didn't want it. The doctors had promised him a painless death.

Juho was desperately trying to calm Jaeyoon down. Juho had looked around of what else he could do, but all windows were wide open and the cold dawn breeze was swirling in.

Jaeyoon clutched his shirt as he snapped for air.

When he had touched Jaeyoon's forehead it had been cold. Not just with the sweat, no.

 

Then it hit him that he was losing the only person he had ever truly loved. He was losing him forever.

“It's okay, Yoonie. It's okay. You don't have to fight it anymore.” Juho whispered in Jaeyoon's ear, holding his head close to his chest and soothingly moving his other hand up and down the olders bony back. At his words, Jaeyoon seemed to relax and the snapping subsided slowly.

 

“It's okay Jjaeng, you've fought well. You've done well. I love you.”

Juho never stopped rocking their bodies gently until he felt Jaeyoon murmur a “I love you so much” under his last breath. When he felt Jaeyoon go limp in his arms, Juho let his tears fall. He never let go of the tiny body. Juho gently sweeped Jaeyoon’s eyes close. He cried and pressed a soft kiss onto Jaeyoon’s cold temple as he waited for the ambulance to arrive. He could breathe well nor could he swallow, choking on the sobs that tried to escape. “You’ve done so well Jaeyoon.”

 

They had taken his body, leaving Juho behind. It’s routine, they had said. To check what happened.   
Juho was standing in his flower warehouse, on the blanket they had been sitting on the whole day.

 

Juho stared in the glittering eyes of Jaeyoon, who was smiling down at him. He lost himself in the dimples he loved so much. The bright smile was making Juho feel warm for the first time in days again. The framed picture had been taken on the day Jaeyoon had passed, the flowers around him complimenting his bright smile.

 

Jaeyoon’s funeral was held in a small circle. He didn’t have many, his family had abandoned him when they had found out about Juho.

He had been surprised when he saw friends who had stopped inviting them come and give their condolences.

  
Jaeyoon’s last wish had been for Juho to decorate his funeral and grave with his flowers. He had explicitly asked for the amaranth flower as well. Juho had smiled a little. Jaeyoon had always been to smart and witty for his own good. He had known about the amaranth way before he had asked Juho for its meaning.

He had found a letter addressed to him when he emptied Jaeyoon’s hospital room. He had been interrupted more than once, the nurses who had walked the path together with them giving Juho their condolences. He had thanked them silently.   
He hadn’t cried any after Jaeyoon’s death. It had proven to be hard when he was folding his clothes, collecting his toothbrush and everything else. Jaeyoon’s phone was stored in his pants pocket. When he had red through the letter, Juho was a mess. He had to sit down on Jaeyoon’s bed as he weeped his soul out. Juho had clutched onto the shirt Jaeyoon had always worn to bed as he sobbed uncontrollably.

The letter had been both his testament and farewell note at the same time.  

 

To Juho, Jaeyoon was like a flower. At his most beautiful time he was ripped out of life.

**Author's Note:**

> i actually dreamed about this and woke up crying so i thought hey why not write it as a fic,,
> 
> this is a mess, i'm sorry,,,,, i always welcome feedback


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